S.A.D.

I’m writing today, because it’s a rough day. There’s nothing wrong, but I don’t feel right. And after writing in my own journal I wanted to share my thoughts with those who might also feel off today. Hang on until tomorrow.

My thoughts today start back in October. I had just finished directing High School Musical. Our Shakespeare team had just competed in and placed well in the Utah Shakespeare Festival. According to my Facebook, things looked pretty good:

I have a big smile and I’m around lots of people that I love! But inside this was happening:

October 3, 2020

Experiencing generalized anxiety lately.

• Panic attacks

• Shortness of breath

• Aches

• Headaches/tension

• Nervous

• Worried

• Impending doom

• Hard to focus

• Confusion

• Overwhelmed

• Upset stomach

• Scared

• Bad dreams - people trying to hurt me

I have proactively cancelled classes, exercised, meditated, used coping skills, sleep, diet, etc but this feels out of control. 

***

You never know what’s going on inside of other people.

Anyway, that bring us to today.

December 22, 2020

In response to my increased anxiety, Dr Ferrin said that I could double my dose of lexapro back in October. My body seems to be ultra sensitive to medication though and doubling made me more jittery. So I am now taking 1 and a half pills. That has been a good dose. However, I am now really beginning to feel the winter blues. When I am in a certain mental state, it is hard to remember being in any other state. So, that is why I wrote down my anxiety symptoms in October. So now, I’m going to record my “SAD” feelings (Seasonal Affective Disorder) :

• Increased fatigue. Can’t fully wake up until the sun is out - at least 9 or 10am. Today I got out of bed at noon. I was awake earlier but wasn’t ready to face the day.

• Confusion - can’t remember the important things I would normally do, or in what order to do them.

• Apathy - don’t really care about my personal appearance or my home.

• Fear - general fear of being around people especially. I don’t want to be judged or friendly.

• Loss of interest in normal fun activities.

• Fear of the future - I won’t be able to do anything ever again. (Especially things that involve other people like theater.)

• Increased impulses: spending too much money; impulsive sexual thoughts.

• Impatience and snapping at people.

• Body aches.

• Crying a lot. Extra sensitive to good and bad.

I noted how fast this came on last week - even though I have been feeling a lot better mentally, and I have been exercising 4-5 times a week at the gym (running a mile in 11 minutes, swimming, weight lifting, calisthenics) and I have been counting calories and eating well. I have been taking time for spiritual devotion and family time. Even with all of that positive behavioral stuff - which I know helps - even with all of that, the darkness & cold are powerful. I have been able to enjoy happy moments with my family but I drop so quickly back down into an empty dark pit as soon as those moments pass.

I read earlier this year that SAD doesn’t only affect people in the winter. Apparently, it is also associated with increased anxiety in the summer. I have been experiencing that the past few years and I didn’t know why. The body is complicated. The spirit is complicated. 

In the past I have tried to get up early in the winter and force myself awake with a little bright blue light in my lap as I sat in bed. I think it helped in some ways, but in other ways it just hurt my spirit to be ripped unnaturally from bed when it was still dark outside. Other years I have just let my body sleep until it was ready to wake up and that felt much more natural. This morning I have been reflecting on seasons again. The seasons of nature are so beautiful; each has its joys and challenges though. I have often mused: what would we think about autumn if we didn’t understand the seasons. After a bright and colorful spring and summer all of the trees start to wither, brown, and die. That would most certainly be a cause for panic if we didn’t understand that after winter comes a beautiful bright spring. I am 46 now, but I am still trying to understand the seasons of my body and brain. However, as I recognize patterns to my anxiety and my depression, I am grateful to find tools along the way to help me. And one of those tools is the very fact of recognizing seasons and patterns.

I’m not quite sure what to do about that though. I’m doing what I can, but in the winter my capacity and my desire to DO anything is greatly diminished. So I make lists in the summer and fall to help me remember the basics of what I need to do in the winter: pray, read my scriptures, clean my room, exercise, make dinner, do laundry. And there are days when I don’t even want to shower, brush my hair or teeth, or get dressed - let alone all of the other basics I just listed. And I just ride those waves. At least one thing I’ve learned about the seasons of my mental health is that it will change. The tides will turn. Spring will come. 

There have been much darker days in my life. Days where I wished I had never existed. Days I wished I were gone. And so many days where I felt a black hole of a tornado churning nonstop inside of me - where every input, every thought, every experience was sucked inside, swirled around and spit back out with the ugliest, darkest interpretation. I have felt like I am falling endlessly through a dark never-ending tunnel with nothing to grab onto. Utterly helpless and hopeless. 

I have had two main tools that helped me feel suddenly “caught.” I felt as if a safety net was suddenly and gently cradling me so that I could begin to crawl out of the darkness. The first was the wonderful group counseling I started in 1999 with Recovery International. And the second was when I started taking lexapro in 2019. It is amazing to see the difference that serotonin makes in my life! In the middle of January I suddenly felt like it was the height of summer. I had energy, positivity and drive again. I felt like me again, the best me. I felt like I had landed safely after falling and spinning through my dark tornado pit. Not perfect, but more stable.       

Even with counseling and medication, I still have ups and downs. But they are smoothed out. They are not the jerking ups and downs of a runaway roller coaster, but more like the gentle bobbing of a boat on a still lake. One tool I have learned to adopt is to just let myself be. It only makes things worse to put yourself down or feel guilty for the sadness. If I’m having a rough day, I just change my plans and adjust. And wow! Changing plans and adjusting to something new - that alone has been a HARD thing to learn. In the past, if a change was thrown at me I felt like a pane of glass that shattered when the unexpected ball was thrown at it. I felt paralyzed and in danger. When I am mentally healthy, I am able to catch that curve ball as if I’m a flexible net - instead of the broken glass. I can breathe, think clearly and adapt.

If you are in the pit, if you are in the middle of the whirlwind please know that you are not alone. You are worth saving. And there are people and tools out there to help you. Would you be ashamed to see a doctor if you broke your arm? Do you judge people with chronic physical illnesses when they seek treatment to survive and maintain life? Please understand that mental illness is real. It has physical and spiritual causes. Seek the help you need because you love yourself. 

I am much more loving to myself now than I have ever been in the past. And that is why I am sitting here typing and reflecting today. I needed a moment to process and catch myself. Again. And I hope to share with all of my friends and loved ones who sometimes only see and know the shiny happy me. I’m not trying to hide the difficult times. And I am not faking the happy times. I am complicated - we all are.

This is me too: in my pajamas at 2:47pm. Eyes a little red from crying. Body achy and tired. Smiles feel heavier to manage and I have to try extra hard to just BE. But I have a lot to live for. I understand that this season will change, and now I’m going to go put some clothes on (maybe take a shower...okay probably not) and wrap some Christmas presents.

Love to you all! Mama Gigi

Quarantine Crochet

December 6, 2020 Sunday

Quarantine crochet: Around the beginning of the covid-19 pandemic, I coincidentally subscribed to a monthly crochet kit. I love to crochet but recently I had not made any time to sit down and do it. So, I thought this monthly kit would pace me nicely and be a reminder each month to crochet. Little did I know I would have SOOOOO much time on my hands to do it. This pattern is for an afghan made of 30 squares. Each square has a unique pattern. I thought this would also be a fun way to practice different patterns and have this afghan serve as a bit of a sampler to refer to later. 

Every time I begin a new crochet project I read the instructions very carefully. Sometimes, I have to take it one stitch at a time to make sure that I’m doing it just right. Often, each row has a repeating motif, so when I get in the swing of things I can put the instructions aside and just crochet. But I always check in again with the instructions when I get to the end of a row to make sure that I know how to finish it off and get ready for the next row. These squares also have larger repeats, like “for rows 7-18, repeat rows 3-6, 3 times.” When you get to this point, you’ve completed the design once and then you just have to do it again (and again! And AGAIN!!) 

At the beginning of the instructions, the overall design is usually unclear to me. Even when there is a picture of what it’s supposed to look like, I can’t always tell how the stitches I am making will become the final design. By the time I get through the repeating pattern once, the design is more clear and I have greater confidence that I understand what I’m doing. The rows become familiar and I just need a little reminder at the beginning of each. Then I can set the instructions aside again and just enjoy crocheting. 

Sometimes I make huge mistakes! Today I picked up a square from last week. There was something terribly wrong, but I was only about 5 rows into it. I wasn’t quite sure where I had gone wrong, but I could see that I needed to start over completely. So, I grabbed the yarn and started to pull. It’s sad and yet oddly satisfying at the same time to unravel your work. It comes apart way too easily & quickly! But, with the experience of attempting this new pattern once already, I looked at the pattern with fresh eyes and began a new chain. This time, the pattern made much more sense. I realized that I had been distracted the last time I worked it and that had led to the misshapen disaster that I had to pull apart. The new block came together more easily the second time and ended up being beautiful.

So here are some of the analogies I’ve pulled from my Quarantine Crochet project.

Each block is different, like the seasons of our lives. Unlike real life, each block pattern is rated with a difficulty level - if only we had a warning at the beginning of each month (or life season) about the difficulty level that life is about to throw at us! 

When I am unsure, I read the instructions very carefully. This reminded me that I do the same thing when life is unsure. I find peace and comfort in reading God’s instructions in the Bible and Book of Mormon. When I am feeling more confident again, and spiritually fed, I can go forward and enjoy life and serve others; just like the ease of crocheting when I understand the pattern. And just like I have trust that whoever wrote down the crochet pattern knew what they were doing, I trust that the Lord knows the big picture of my life and will help me. I can trust the instructions.

I feel like the end of each row is sort of like the way I get to check in with myself and the Lord each Sunday as I renew my baptismal covenants and take the sacrament. It’s good to just check the “instructions” again and make sure that I’m headed in the right direction. 

When I make a mistake, I can unravel and start again! Change seems hard in real life. Repentance seems like a punishment sometimes. But the reality is, like the ease of unraveling my crochet work, the Savior can make change and repentance a joy. The hardest part is that first moment when you are not sure that you want to pull the string, unravel and start over again. But it is worth it!

The monthly kit contained 3 squares per month. I started off “on schedule” but was not able to maintain it. I know, I should have had plenty of time in quarantine right? But other life events took priority: a daughter’s marriage, a daughter’s mission call, and a daughter’s first semester at college. And that’s ok. The extra yarn and patterns are sitting in my closet, waiting for me. Because after all, our best plans and schedules sometimes need to change to make us available for the people in our lives.

Final lesson: My squares don’t have to be perfect! I like the variety of patterns in each block. They each look pretty good individually. But if you look at my blocks together, it’s easy to see that they are NOT all perfect squares (I’m not sure that any of them are!) Some are definitely rectangles and at least one became a rhombus. But you know what? Just like the seasons of my life - they are not all the same. I can look back at who I was 10, 20, 30, and yes even 40 years ago and appreciate each block of time for what it was. I can appreciate ME for who I was and how I have grown and changed. It’s the unique pattern of each that makes it beautiful. And when I am finished with all of my squares, I will stitch them together in a beautiful afghan to warm my loved ones. And I will be proud of my completed Quarantine Crochet project and all of the life lessons that it taught me.